Tech Eye: Bam, you're dead. No wait, it's just a puncture

Back then we would crawl up the muddy parapet with our trusty musket clutched between our frostbitten fingers, and just as the captain gave the signal, we would launch towards the enemy lines, screaming racial obscenities, depending on whom we had declared war that day, ready to bludgeon anything that had the misfortune of getting in our way. But that was only on a Friday, when the local beer-keeper got his weekly delivery of hooch at 5am.

However, Grandfather TechEye had much more interesting tales to tell. Many's the evening he would slump in his chair muttering to no-one about how good it felt to charge into battle with a snorting beast between his legs while armed to the teeth. He once staged a re-enactment for the whole village, and was promptly banned from Thursday-night bingo for wrecking the ball machine and traumatizing the other pensioners, especially Gertrude the Fishmonger, who he choose to play the part, somewhat unwilling, of his unlucky steed.

Now things have moved on, and there are all these new-fangled tanks and zeppelins to contend with, but TechEye for one thinks it's all gotten a little out of hand, and war should be stripped back and simplified.

To get things kicked off, TechEye vows to ride into battle from now on, and what better steed than the Montague Tactical Military Mountain Bike, as used by the US in Iraq. It folds up into a more manageable shape, which means you can, oh i don't know, carry it as you run away or travel for free with it on Dutch trains. It has "little thermal signature" (try and hit me with your heat-seeking SAMs now as I pedal furiously away over this sand dune) and is good for dropping out of a plane, apparently. Get yours for around zł.3,000.