Tech Eye: Lend me your gears
When they weren't busy starving their lions before a big performance of Eat the Christian, they spent their time bedecked in leather skirts wheeling around a big bowl on tethered chariots with all manner of sharp protuberances (is there any part of this that doesn't get the blood moving and the juices flowing?).
TechEye has always revered the Romans (though perennially from afar, after The Man confiscated our passport following an unseemly and unproven incident during a midnight dinner on the local riverboat restaurant between ourselves and several members of the local dish-scrubbers union - they won't scrub just anything you know).
In fact such is our enthusiasm for all things Caesarian that we tried to reenact several of our favorite bits from that glorious empire. First up was the Christians vs Lions extravaganza that sold out in record time once word got round the village. Unfortunately the local nunnery was not willing to supplement our meager supply of God-botherers, so we had to alter plans at short notice. Seeing as we already had the lions, we decided to stage the ultimate fight in the form of our Lions vs Sharks header, but this got scuppered when animal-rights fascists called a halt to it after we said we couldn't get snorkels on the lions.
Unperturbed, we decided to stage a traditional royal Roman night of drinking and debauchery, replete with wine, women and song. After watching Caligula and Spartacus 77 times in the name of research, and gathering up all the snails, oysters, leather skirts, togas and eunuchs we could lay our hands on, the local convent, alerted by our earlier request for edible believers, suddenly took a strong interest in our Romefest and called in the fuzz.
And so we were stumped, until along came this beauty - the Segway X2. The all-terrain successor to the Segway personal transporter, it can whisk you along like a modern-day Roman charioteer (though beware the wind does tend to get up your leather skirt and can lead to a nasty chill in all the wrong places).
Top speed is 12 miles/19 kilometers per hour off pavement, and the battery range is up to 19 kilometers. It can be altered to fit all manner of spikes, whips, lashes and guns on to it, though Uncle Engineering TechEye says it may slow things down a tad and require some very dubious welding. We have compensated for the ensuing lack of speed by tethering it to a pack of small dogs and wild children, and it looks like the village is set for a good old Roman chariot race once the neighbors have got their two-wheeled weapons of war ready for the off.
Get yours for around zł.17,000, though children and home-made modifications will cost you extra, especially when the lawyers' bills start to roll in.
