Tech Eye: The gadget-giving season arriveth
It's also the period of highest demand for reindeer, meaning that come January the price of Dancer, Prancer, Comet or Blitzen jerky falls dramatically.
Perhaps best of all, we get to make a fool of ourself by dressing up as Santa Claws (the mutant spawn of old Santa Claus and Larry the Lobster costumes) and challenging shopping-center Santas to duels, much to the distress of any nearby children. Ah, the joys which December brings are truly legion.
Our professional responsibilities, however, are never more apparent than during this merry season. Our readers regularly look to Techeye for gift inspiration - and moral guidance - so during this present-centric time of the year we try to review the very best of the very best. Of course, once we show the big retailers how effective the "bribe-per-Techeye-review" model of marketing is, we'll be reviewing the very best of the highest bidder's best (or worst), but that glorious era is still some ways off. In the meantime, we're stuck reviewing kickback-free gadgetry this year, so let's get it over with...
A toy for boys
For the lazy golfers out there, Techeye recommends Stewart Golf's X3 Special Edition remote-controlled golf trolley. Of course, there's no point in getting one if you play on a course that allows golf carts, but, for those unlucky fools who don't, the X3 SE is a godsend. Using the remote, the trolley can be guided from up to 50 meters away and up to four walking speeds can be programed, of which we imagine "unhurried" is top gear.
According to Stewart Golf, the unit's battery is "guaranteed for the toughest 18 holes of any course," but you shouldn't push your luck past the 19th hole. To conserve energy on long-play days, the firm recommends you "don't 'zig-zag' up the fairways" or let the trolley "'drag' you up hills." The X3 SE costs Ł1,099 (zł.5,460) but Anglophobes beware - the Union Jack is proudly emblazoned on the back.
For those without peglegs
Like every year, there are millions of shiny gadgets on offer for the ladies out there. For example, our very own alpha wench, Big Mama Techeye, is going to get a glossy new pegleg in her stocking (literally) this Christmas. Her last leg somehow got lodged in our dishwasher, warping the wood so badly that our gentle gorgon's wildly feminine limp has become an unsteady (yet seductive) waddle, so she's anxious to get a new one.
However, since the Captain-Ahab look has oddly fallen out of vogue, this year we're recommending Lumigram's optical-fiber-endowed Lumitops for the non-peglegged ladies out there. These come in several styles, all featuring attention-getting luminous fabric, although the firm sadly hasn't got any school-marm uniforms on offer yet.
The garments are powered by small batteries which, Lumigram cheerfully points out, offer "no risk of electrical shock." Also, in case anyone was worried, the Lumitops "have nothing to do with the glow-in-the-dark products that were the craze in the eighties." They cost between EUR 99-129 (zł.353-460) and must be hand-washed. Also, keep in mind that ironing the optical fibers will cause severe melting and emotional distress.
In defense of preciousness
Techeye's final selection should cover most other people on your buy-for list - kids, grandparents, co-workers, step-aunts, creepy neighbors, botanists and/or prison inmates. Thinkgeek's Shooting Cubicle Alarm System is a three-stage toy which ostensibly protects treasures such as staplers or candy bars. In truth, it probably just annoys people who wander into close proximity, but that's also satisfying. Each of the stages has a motion sensor. When the first stage (also known as Alarm One) is tripped, it flashes lights, sounds a klaxon and "arms Alarms Two and Three using invisible wireless signals." Alarm Two, for its part, has an even louder siren and it "spots the intruder with a red dot of guilty light." Finally, when Alarm Three is triggered, it launches two foam missiles at whomever has violated the protected space. Thinkgeek is quick to point out, however, that the gadget is ill-equipped to protect "gold bars or top secret documents," so if that's your stash you might want to consider hiring some burly, neckless men instead. The Shooting Cubicle Alarm System requires seven AAA batteries and sells for $34.99 (zł.85).
If the above gadgets don't strike your fancy, we'd recommend any of the tens and tens of other gadgets we've reviewed this year. Unfortunately none of these reviews brought Techeye any illicit cash, but we won't hold it against them - and there's always next year.
