Tech Eye: To the funny farm, posthaste

The girlish screaming and nude dash to the local convent, to beg for sanctuary. Good times, indeed, particularly since it didn't happen to us.

When Cousin Candy-Pants TechEye recently confided in us his intention to "move home and tickle the peasants into revolt," we immediately saw through the sad ruse - the statute of limitations isn't up for another two years. No, the milkmaid compulsion had sadly taken him again, a full-blown relapse. So we did the only thing a respectable TechEye could do: left an anonymous note on Uncle Uber-Felon TechEye's doorstep late at night (stuffed in head cheese, to be sure he'd take it) and hid in the bushes.

Thus came the tough-love intervention (caning), the slack-jawed hospital hooligans and Cousin TechEye's feral protestations of "the teats need a-milking!" as they drug him off to a life of padded walls, "groin-shock treatment" and midnight groomings by feline-neurosis Sally, the facility's octogenarian lady of the night. We can only envy him the experience, as much remains to be burgl…done here on the outside.

Life on the inside does have some drawbacks, of course - the water is a tad brackish, for example, and there's a distinct lack of spanking on the therapy schedule. Nothing we can do about that, but we managed to sneak poor lactose-enamored Cousin TechEye some treats hidden on the memory card of our new Sony Cybershot DSC-N2. With 10 megapixels and a three-stage zoom, this baby gets great shots without encroaching on the local Catholic school's court-ordered "no-perv zone." If you're the sort that pays for things it'll set you back around zł.1,400, or else we know a hunchback fence "what likes to barter." Either way it's a high price to pay, but worth every dribble to comfort Cousin TechEye in his time of need.