An Arthur Andersen bestiary of available positions
As we at "Tax Watch" complete our staff plans and recruiting budget for next year, I thought I'd use this week's column for these purposes rather than the usual. In a fast-growing, dynamic organization such as ours, vacancies exist at all levels, and in particular at the following exit-level positions:
* Irrational Interpretations Executive
For assignment to the Finance Ministry, this role will involve issuing interpretations of tax legislation that take into account only part of the law and case facts while blatantly ignoring the difficult bits. The ideal candidate will be cooperative in client interface situations, but stubborn and irrational on paper. The ability to say: "It's like this because I say it is" in the face of evidence to the contrary would be an asset. The job includes flexible working hours (including the opportunity to be out of the office when the workload is highest).
* Gray-hair development officer
To monitor the development of gray hair among my core staff based on dealings with the irrational interpretations executive. The gray-hair development officer would also need to monitor overall levels of gray hair among the office as a whole, to ensure that clients appreciate our level of experience and are not misled by the apparent youth of some of our younger staff. Will also be responsible for the implementation of the European Union gray-hair directive.
* Writer of incomprehensible memos
Candidates looking to progress from a translation role into a language coaching role are sought for inserting consulting speak into memos. Must be able to use such phrases as "paradigm shift" and "pro-active leveraging of client opportunities" while keeping a straight face. Experience of inserting such phrases randomly into memos without materially affecting the meaning thereof would significantly enhance the ongoing ability of the candidate to present his credentials vis-a-vis this position to the potential employer, and proactively enhance the possibility of developing this opportunity.
* Corporate drinker
A vacancy exists in the business development area for someone to entertain clients and develop business in a liquid fashion. An ability to consume large quantities of booze without forgetting the important facts of a client's tax issues is important, as is the ability not to slur words after 11 p.m. Membership in various drinking establishments would be an asset. This vacancy exists as a result of promotion of the previous incumbent to senior lunch executive. A suitable candidate would therefore be able to progress vertically in the organization, on the condition that he can avoid being horizontal too often.
* Company car-crash tester
As it is well known that company cars have materially different habits and life spans than those bought privately, a vacancy exists for a person to crash test the office cars. Duties will also include ensuring ashtrays are full at all times, tires are not fully or properly inflated, and vehicles are as dirty as possible. Also needs to ensure that people entitled to replacement cars are not told about this until after the order has been placed.
* Expense claims rejecter
Person required to find new, innovative and irrational reasons to reject expense claims. The successful candidate will be required to complete a test, including thinking up creative methods to reject claims (e.g. the German taxi driver did not stamp his receipt, the London Underground ticket was not signed by an authorized representative of the company, the Swedish restaurant bill did not include the Polish company VAT number, the hotel receipt had the guest name on when it should only have had the company name, etc). A challenging role, with the opportunity to be really creative. This person needs to work closely with the gray-hair development officer, and also the:
* Business travel non-coordinator
This person is required to have an encyclopedic knowledge of airline pricing structures and fare scales, to ensure that all trips are on a "maximum fare, minimum service" basis. Ability to book managers into economy class while their staff flies business class on the same flight, and to keep a straight face at the time of giving out the tickets, is an asset.
* Suggester of subjects for tax columns
This person needs to work with the celebrity tax columnist to suggest and identify tax issues that would be suitable for a column in the Business Journal every two weeks. The existing incumbent suffers from the stress of having to think up subjects, write the column, and include some tax jokes. As a part of the ongoing re-engineering of the column construction process, we have identified the split into three separate tasks: suggester of ideas, writer of tax jokes, and writer of column with overall responsibility to tie in the work of the first two.
All of which leads into my favorite story of the week. Division head sends out the following voice mail to the rest of group management: "I have just had X in my office who has offered me his resignation. He took the news very well "
Peter Ferrigno is a tax manager in the Warsaw office of Arthur Andersen.
